(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
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I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.