[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
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An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Wedding planning is organized crime.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…