Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
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i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic