i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
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#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
TWEET CALL
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seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon