Ironic
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I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
me: my friends:
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”