right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
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(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby