5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
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can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
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The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.