I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
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Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.