Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
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Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.