Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
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Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
If yahoo! hasn鈥檛 given up then why should I??
If I reply touch茅 that means I have no clue what you meant
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she鈥檚 buying me and my wife gifts.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
I
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KW
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DR
U
I
NP
E
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P
L
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M
E
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EB
YT
W
E
E
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GL
I
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SA
L
LD
A
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.
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Cauliflower is just broccoli that鈥檚 seen a ghost.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
He’s so proud of his work! 馃ぃ
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Trick-or-Treaters don鈥檛 like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn鈥檛 it
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd