You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
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They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.