[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
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I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.