Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
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Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
I am, perchance
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
this has to be peak English
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.