My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
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The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC