I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
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When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
my fav colour is also hitler
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?