wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
You Might Also Like
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.