Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
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We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
We decided to have money instead of children.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?