You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
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Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
absolutely not
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.