Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
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interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.