[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
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ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
getting groceries
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
those birds must be on payroll
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon