welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
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I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”