Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
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The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??