can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
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What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*