There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
You Might Also Like
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
My therapist after every session
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.