Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
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I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant