Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
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When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.