A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
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Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
My Plans 2020
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
The symmetry is uncanny.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.