Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
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BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Hot hot hot 🥵
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
#NoRestForTheWicked
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god