[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
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Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up