I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
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Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
same energy
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Breaking news:
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
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Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.