Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
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HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.