My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
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My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”