How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
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Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.