I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
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First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go