Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
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Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Ghost costume 😂
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.