The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
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Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
School be like
*weighs self after shaving
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”