*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
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I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
OMG 🤣🤣
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot