Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
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Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…