landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
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Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
The only equipped I am is ill.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.