You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
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God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
a lot to unpack here
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!