wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
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Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Y’all know who you are.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
My favorite farside!!
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.