If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
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My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
I came this close!!!!
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face