Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
You Might Also Like
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?