I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
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Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously