doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
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Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
oh my god
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.