ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
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Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
This raises questions
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.