If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
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PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh