just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
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On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too