No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
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My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
marvel comics have peaked
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Nice try, NASA
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment