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welp
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous